Jordan's Page of Useless Babble

Kinnikinnick Foods' Gluten Free Cinnamon Sugar Donuts

Gluten is blamed for a lot of things these days. A quick search on Google showed people blaming it for migraines, skin reactions, gut inflammation, diabetes, hypothyroidism, "leaky gut", heart disease, cancer, ulcers, obesity, vitamin D deficiency, wheat addiction, Schizophrenia, constipation, diarrhea, joint pain, depression, fatigue, infertility, miscarriage and a host of other problems.

"Holy shit!" you may say to yourself, "That's really fucking bad! How the fuck can they let us eat this shit?"

Well, don't believe the hype. Sure there are people with gluten sensitivity that have allergic-like reactions to gluten (my grandfather being one) and people with Celiac disease can be seriously harmed by it. As for the rest of us? Well, not so much. of absolutely everything I enjoy. of absolutely everything I enjoy.

Want a thought experiment? Next time you see somebody complaining about gluten (you can usually recognize them by their shrill voices, indignant tone, general unattractiveness, poor body odor and borderline to severe obesity), walk up to them and ask them what gluten is. They have no fucking clue.

Much like those people out there that believe that getting vaccinations will give you autism, there are those that went online, misread something about how gluten can affect people that are sensitive to it and then went on to blame it for every single malady they experience. You're not getting older, need to eat more fibre or need to cut down on the large sodas, it's gluten's fault!

Gluten is a protein found in wheat and a bunch of other grains. When you knead bread dough, it forms strands and links in the dough, which eventually leads to chewiness, which I think we can all agree is one of the best parts of bread. For those of you that bake out there, this is the reason why you don't over-mix certain things like muffin batter. If you do over-mix, the muffins you cook will be tough and chewy, which is what you don't want.

Frozen.  In packs of six.
Frozen. In packs of six.

So, never mind that only around 1% of people have a gluten-related disorder. It's going to kill us all!

About the only people benefiting from this epidemic are the people that sell food for people that have gluten sensitivities (and the many more people that just think they have one). So, hey look at this! Donuts!

Some people say that poutine is the quintessential Canadian food. I'd say that donuts probably are. I mean, we have more donut stores per person here than anywhere else in the world, and we eat the most donuts per capita. That really says something about how much we like fried rings of dough covered in sugar (and the occasional disk of fried dough covered in sugar and filled with jam or custard).

So, here we have Gluten Free Cinnamon Sugar Donuts from Kinnikinnick Foods. They're also dairy free and nut free, so they're the perfect breakfast or sweet snack for your favorite bubble boy.

In case you were wondering, they are frozen. They also have the shortest cooking time I think I've seen on here: 15 seconds from frozen. I chose cinnamon sugar over the other varieties (powdered sugar and chocolate) because, well, fuck you I like cinnamon. I also invited Zaz to join me on this, because it would be a really short review if I was just talking about a donut.

So, once again while everything preps, let's go over the rules:

  • Rule #1:
    I must follow cooking procedures exactly as they're shown on the container. I will not deviate from those instructions in any way, and I must prepare food in the fastest manner presented to me.
  • Rule #2:
    I must consume everything that comes with the meal. No hiding of disgusting parts will be tolerated. (In the unlikely event of bones or other inedibles, allowances will be made).
  • Rule #3:
    To make sure my palate is completely free of obstructions, I may only be allowed either water or alcohol. Alcohol does not include fancy-pants fruity girly drinks.
  • Rule #4:
    All food will be graded by smell, taste and mouthfeel, with less offensive qualities receiving higher marks. At the end, each part is receives an average score. The full meal is graded by the average score of each component. Appearance of the food is not graded because, let's face it, they all look pretty bad.

Jordan's Review

Well, it looks pretty innocuous. I mean, it's a donut how bad could it really be?

It smells like a pretty average, if somewhat stale donut, and there's a bit of a damp undertone that you get a lot with microwaved baked goods. On top of that, there's the faint smell of cinnamon. There's not really much special here. It's also got a pretty average taste. There's a bit of cinnamon, and it's kind of sweet, but it's pretty much a non-event.

The cake-like texture that you should expect from a donut gives way to a something that should be considered a felony. The donut crumbles in my mouth like old plaster, and has a chalky feel to it. Once it gets a little moisture, like say from being chewed, it becomes clumpy and clings to my teeth and tongue, refusing to be swallowed. As soon as I can get it down, my mouth feels incredibly greasy, far more than I would think is reasonable for a donut. All in all, the act of eating this donut makes me believe that I now know what it's like to be raped.

Jordan's Scores
Smell: 4/10
Taste: 5/10
Mouthfeel: 2/10
Total Score: (3.6/10)

Frozen donuts.
Frozen donuts.
Cooked donuts.
Cooked donuts.

Zaz's Review

It smells like any cinnamon donut and feels all sugary, but that's because it's coated in sugar. It's very dense, and has a texture that makes me think that it's stale. It's like trying to chew a softened brick. Even though it's coated in sugar and somewhat sweet, it doesn't really taste like anything.

Zaz's Scores
Smell: 7/10
Taste: 5/10
Mouthfeel: 4/10
Total Score: (5.3/10)

The Totals:

Smell: 5.5/10
Taste: 5.0/10
Mouthfeel: 3.0/10
Total Score: (4.5/10)

So, there you have it. As far as frozen donuts go, they aren't bad. Of course, these are the first frozen donuts either of us have ever had, so we can be relatively certain that these are the best frozen donuts we've ever eaten, but when compared to normal donuts, they're sub-par.

Sub-par is too kind a term.  I prefer 'shitty'.
Sub-par is too kind a term. I prefer 'shitty'.

Another thing I wanted to talk about was the price. For a box of 6 of these donuts, I paid a little under six dollars after tax. If I were to go buy a box of fresh donuts at a donut shop, I could get about a dozen for around the same price. So, not only are these donuts sub par, they're also about twice as expensive as the good stuff. This is an outrage!

The bottom line is this: If you have a gluten sensitivity, and you absolutely have to have a donut, but will die if you have a real one, these are a pretty good alternative. If you don't have a gluten sensitivity, then what the fuck is wrong with you? Go out and get a fresh donut, or hell, go get those little tiny donuts they sell at the grocery store. Go on! Go get one now! Fuuuuck.

Next time we continue with some unusual choices and I'll promise not to talk about science.

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