Jordan's Page of Useless Babble

Turd Ferguson's Life in Jeopardy

If there's anything worse than a rape, it's a rape performed by an inexperienced, or even worse, a rude rapist. But it doesn't have to be that way. Here I try to outline the basic ground rules on raping. Will it help you be a better rapist? Probably not, but it will help you along the path of performing a more professional, and legitimate rape.

Step #1 - Picking a Partner

Picking proper partners prevents phuckups.

The first step in any successful rape is selecting a partner. In the interest of political correctness it is no longer considered polite to refer to them as 'victims' as that implies a sense of weakness that is not considered compatible with modern feminism. Instead, they should be called either unwilling partners, or more preferably, rape-buddies.

Many inexperienced rapists will only select the most beautiful women around them to be their unwilling partners. This is an inconsiderate action. There are plenty of women that may be past their prime, or possessing less than stellar good looks that are bucking for the chance to be raped. If you don't want to be inconsiderate, you must consider all your options.

Remember that a successful rape requires that the element of surprise. It is not considered correct to send a letter of introduction to your unwilling partner. It is however perfectly alright to send them a thank-you letter, expressing your appreciation of the time the two of you shared together.

Potential rapists should also be aware that it is neither polite, nor advisable to rape outside your species. Not only does it lack class and distinction, but if you are caught, it can lead to embarrassing news reports that refer to you as 'that goat-fucker'.

Step #2 - Learning the Lay of the Land

Survey for safety.

Now that you have a partner, you might be tempted to run right out and begin raping. Well, hold your horses. Experienced rapists know to first get an idea of where their partners stay. You want to make sure that your rape won't be stopped prematurely because of locked doors, yappy dogs, inconveniently placed furniture or unwanted guests intruding on your special day.

A conscientious rapist takes the time to survey the area (known in the raping industry as 'casing' -- isn't jargon fun?). This helps you to find and take precautions to avoid certain pitfalls in the future. You can also take this time to learn your partner's movements, and coordinate with them to ensure the most opportune time to engage them without consent.

Also, remember that you're not just looking for hazards. You can also look for things that can help you facilitate rape such as a well-placed pinball table.

Step #3 - Picking the Right Tools for the Job

Complicated knives can cause more problems than they solve.

Being a rapist is a lot like being a boy scout. It never hurts to be prepared. A successful rapist keeps a kit of tools and supplies on hand to help facilitate a professional rape.

When selecting a length of rope, a conscientious rapist will select a mid-priced rope that is strong and able to hold a good knot, but it delicate on their partner's wrists. If you're having trouble selecting rope, speak with somebody at your local hardware store. Many have experience as rapists and will be able to provide helpful advice.

If you must carry a weapon, knives are preferred as they have a personal touch that can't be obtained through firearms. A good knife says that you care enough to fill your partner with fear. Other tools of destruction, such as billy clubs or lengths of chain can also be used, but these tend to be not only clumsy, but dull in sheen. Studies have shown that the reflection of moonlight glittering off the edge of a blade is more effective for non-verbally communicating the ideas of forceful love.

Chemicals, such as Rohypnol (also known as 'roofies' in rape-speak) or GHB (the date-rape drug) can help to facilitate an extremely easy raping. Using these substances on your partner is considered foul-play and the height of rudeness, as they prevent them from being able to experience the rape to the full. It is also not advised to use these drugs on yourself for similar reasons.

Step #4 - Raping

Silence is golden.  Duct tape is silver.

You've selected your rape-buddy, you've investigated their whereabouts and you've assembled your equipment. It's now time for the rape to begin in earnest.

Begin by gaining entrance to your partner's abode and make your way to them. Then, gently place your hand over their mouths and inform them gently, yet confidently that the rape is about to begin. You may be tempted to shout "surprise", but this is not recommended. Referring to rape as what's known in the industry as 'surprise-sex', which is not considered to be legitimate rape. As such, it's best to stick to the standard lines such as "Bitch, you gonna be raped."

Now, we won't get into actual mechanics of the physical act of rape, as most of you will already know how to perform it (if not, I suggest this guide to help you get started).

Regardless, because you are raping and not actually having coitus, there is no need to seek their approval of your performance. Therefore, in this case nice guys do not have to finish last. Although in all honestly, if you were a nice guy in the first place, you probably wouldn't go around raping people, but let's not split hairs.

Speaking of splitting, once you are done, it's time for you to leave in a quiet and respectful manner. Remember to gather up all your clothes, equipment and any bodily fluid you may have left around and make your exit. Remember: a tidy rapist is a good rapist.

Why Perform a Legitimate Rape?

The father of legitimate rape.

You may be asking yourself why all these steps are necessary in the first place? Why don't people just go around raping willy-nilly all day long?

Well, therein lies the difference between a correct (or legitimate) rape and an incorrect (or illegitimate rape). Legitimate rape is a way of way of showing your rape-buddy that you care enough to think about their raping needs and not just your own. And recent studies have shown that legitimate rape is actually safer for the unwilling partner and carries less of a chance of unwanted pregnancies (which is to say all pregnancies).

So, there you have it, a compelling case for performing your own legitimate rape. Now, you can go out and rape with confidence and vigor.

Turd Ferguson

Turd Ferguson is a contributing writer who has never been solicited for an article. This website considers Mr. Ferguson to be an editorial writer, and this website has no stance as to the authenticity of his claims or the reality he portrays. Each of his articles arrives via teletype along with a recipe for quiche and a veiled threat against the webmaster's family. Mr. Ferguson lives with his cats Fluffy and Lord Tamberlane in an undisclosed wooded and heavily fortified location.

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