Jordan's Page of Useless Babble

In 2009, I made a list of the ten people who really pissed me off that year. In 2010, I skipped it and instead talked about the most popular articles of that year. Why? Because I think somebody was slipping drugs into my food to calm me down.

But now I'm pissed off again, and I got a whole new list of people who make me want to stick my head in a bucket of hot tar until the pain goes away. Let's not waste any time and go straight for the jugular.

10. Playboy Magazine

This year, Playboy decided to shoot a pictorial of Lindsay Lohan, but not the cute redheaded Lohan from Herbie: Fully Loaded. Oh no. Instead we get the bleach blonde, drug-addled Lohan. Thanks for nothing Playboy.

This is what we wanted.
This is what we wanted.

And this is what we got.
And this is what we got.

9. Charlie Sheen

If you were a third as awesome as he is, you'd have spontaneous combusted by now.
If you were a third as awesome as he is, you'd have spontaneous combusted by now.

Sure he was a dick, but you gotta like the guy. His abuse of booze and drugs is legendary, yet for all of that, he still appears to be functioning, maybe not high functioning, but still.

In January of 2011, Sheen began substance rehabilitation in his home. Then he decided to bite the hand that feeds him and gave a rant against Two and a Half Men creator Chuck Lorre on the radio. As a result, CBS canceled the season's remaining episodes and Warner Brothers banned him from entering its production lot.

When something like that happens, most people would consider it a wakeup call and an opportunity to turn one's life around. Charlie isn't one of those people. Instead, he demanded a 50% raise to his salary, despite the fact that at the time he was already the highest-paid actor on television. Needless to say, this did not endear him to CBS, and he was not rehired.

Then, came the interview that cemented his reputation as an insane person:

Okay, so maybe that's not the real interview, but it's still pretty damned funny. He's #9 on our list of the Biggest Dicks of 2011, but I still wish I could be half as awesome as he is.

8. Anthony Wiener

Geeze!  Put that thing away!  Who do you think you are, a Kennedy?
Geeze! Put that thing away! Who do you think you are, a Kennedy?

There once was a congressman named Wiener,
Who sexted a pic of his peener,
Anthony said that was jive,
But his career took a dive,
And we hope now his emails are cleaner.

7. Donald Trump

This is far from the least flattering photograph we could find.
This is far from the least flattering photograph we could find.

One thing politicians hate is a scandal that affects them, and political parties spend a lot of time and energy making sure that their candidates for a political office don't have any skeletons in their closets, and seeing if they can find any in their opponents'. Of course, the occasional one gets through, like a California governor's secret child, but these are pretty minor. If it was something big enough to make a candidate actually ineligible to hold office, you can bet your ass that people would discover it in time.

And that brings us to our #7 spot on the list with Donald Trump. The man who's hair looks like onion loaf, and refuses to believe that Barack Obama is was born in the United States.

In order to become the president, you have to meet a few prerequisites. You have to have been born in the United States, you must be at least 35 years old, you must have been a permanent resident of the United States for at least 14 years, you cannot have been president twice before, you cannot have been impeached from a previous term as president and you cannot have rebelled against the United States.

Now, Barack Obama was 48 when he was elected. He's lived his entire life in the US, serving his first term, has not been impeached and is probably not rebelling against the very country he's leading. All that checks out. What a movement called the Birthers question is whether or not he was actually born in the United States.

This is, of course, pure and utter horse shit.

Horse shit.
Horse shit.

He was born in Honolulu, which since 1959 has been a US state. The matter is closed. There's no discussion. If he wasn't born in the US, you don't think the Republican party wouldn't have found out back during the last election an used that little factoid to win the election? End of fucking discussion.

But no. Donny-boy has a case of what you might call sour grapes, and has not only gone on television to question the president's citizenship, but he's gone so far as to actually hire people and send them to Hawaii to see if they could dig up anything that a major political party, with more money, more resources and more experience couldn't. And guess what? He found squat.

By the end of April, the White House released the long-form birth certificate of the president, proving once and for all what any reasonable thinking person could have pieced together for themselves in roughly about the same amount of time as it takes to cook a hot dog. And then Trump had the balls to show pride in the amount of time he had wasted by throwing a press conference to gloat, essentially about something he was wrong about.

Maybe he should just stick to something he's good at: declaring bankruptcy.

6. Paul Christoforo

I pray that he's wearing a bathing suit.
I pray that he's wearing a bathing suit.

Now, this is an admittedly late entry, but I guess this guy wanted a spot on the list badly enough that he had to go balls-out and take it.

It started on the 16th of December, when a guy named 'Dave' emailed Ocean Marketing to ask them when his Avenger PS3 controllers would be arriving, as they had been advertised as shipping in "Early December". The email thread that evolved was nothing short of epic.

At the point that Christoforo told Dave to put on his big boy hat, offered to sell Dave's controllers on eBay and called him Dan, Dave decided to fight back. Dave's next email, a long, justifiably angry one was copied to a few news sites as well as Kotaku and Penny Arcade.

That's when Christoforo went from a regular douche to pants-on-head-retarded. His replies became riddled with name-drops and such gems as "Son Im 38 I wwebsite as on the internet when you were a sperm in your daddys balls and before it was the internet, thanks for the welcome to the message wurd up." Was Christoforo mocking Dave, or had he gotten into the egg nog a bit heavily that day? The world will never know.


The fallout was equally intense. As a direct result of his outrageously bizarre and abusive emails, Paul Christoforo's marketing company was fired by N-Control, the makers of the Avenger. He attempted to hold their digital assets (including website, Twitter feed and email address) hostage, but eventually relented. He even apologized in an email to Mike Krahulik of Penny Arcade, but one wonders if he's more sorry that he was called out on his douchiness rather than being actually sorry for being douchy.

So, for making what's easily the largest mountain out of a relatively small molehill and making himself a laughing stock in an impressively short amount of time, Paul Christoforo earns his spot as #6 on our list of the Biggest Dicks of 2011.

Now, I'm not going to post the entire transcript, so check it out here, and also check out N-Control's press release on the subject.

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