Jordan's Page of Useless Babble

Best of the Spam 2

So, it seems that my spam filter hasn't quite gotten the concept that shitty advertisements = bad. My inbox overfloweth with all kinds of crap. They're trying to get me to enlarge my dick with counterfeit prescriptions from Canada and film myself banging my Russian mail-order bride while I hold onto some money for a Nigerian prince to buy cheap software with.

But enough about my weekend. I've had it up to here with spam.

Okay, okay.  Calm down.
Okay, okay. Calm down.

So, what am I going to do with it? I'm going to make the spam work for me. That's right, it's going to be mildly amusing for your entertainment, and let me get away with a week where I don't work quite as hard as I usually do. U mad bro?

Sylvester Teachout writes:

One Valentine's notion is to craft your own Valentine Day card and then collect cards you obtain and place them in a box that you create your self. Make and share your card with your friends and family. This Valentines Day concept is easy, does not require several materials as well as the complete family can participate in this activity.

Making your own Valentine's Day card for your loved one is an inexpensive, fun and rewarding way to let the person you love know exactly how much you care.

If you're a pussy.

If you're not a pussy, you'll want to go and pick them up an entire box of branded Valentines. The same kind the kids get. Those things get about 30 cards or so a box, so you can give one to your significant other each and every day. Why? Because then you don't have to actually remember when Valentine's Day is, just when February is. That way you look all romantic and shit for the entire month. Also, they have all kinds of these boxes, so you can get something for her that she'd actually appreciate, like Dora the Explorer or Ninja Turtles.

Terminator 2 valentines are pretty popular with the bitches.
Terminator 2 valentines are pretty popular with the bitches.

Bonus tip: If you get your signature put onto a rubber stamp then you don't have to waste time actually signing the Valentines, and you've saved yourself enough time to go watch some porn. Go on, treat yourself. You've earned it.

Game Party: In Motion writes:

Yo Dude! you call this a blog. Just where did you learn to play vids. I see now that were going have to hide all the controllers. The next good score you make will be your first. This time, Your Fired! Hit the road Jack.


Donald Trump
Yeah, and thats my real hair.

Oh no you didn't!

You did not just come up into my house and start talking smack about my gaming prowess. While you were off playing the stock market, I was playing Wall Street Kid. I bought that gold digger Priscila everything she could have wanted. Were you able to do that for Ivana? No? How about Marla?

This huge pile of money represents all the cash that Donald Trump has lost in divorces, shitty business deals and generally just pissing it away.  But remember, he's a good businessman.
This huge pile of money represents all the cash that Donald Trump has lost in divorces, shitty
business deals, and generally just pissing it away. But remember, he's a good businessman.

Better start planning for your next divorce. Or your next bankruptcy. You know, whatever comes first.

Party Bus Rental Philadelphia writes:

Im NOT writing against vegetarianism, nor am I advocating non-vegetarianism. Im simply advocating freedom and non-violence. But Baba Ramdev is not using this language of freedom and respect for humans. He talks of killing those who slaughter cows. I find such a thought obnoxious and abhorrent beyond imagination, where someone values human life less than the life of a chicken, fish, or cow.

You know...they're right. I've been focusing too much on the hate. Let's talk about love for a moment. The only true love that one can appreciate. The love of meat.


You're welcome.

How To Get Rid of Acne writes:

Why did the chicken cross the road?
Answer: To visit an awesome blog like yours!

I know I shouldn't be posting such comments, but the Mafia is gonna shoot my balls if it isn't shown! You see, I stole a bottle of Vodka and it turns out to be theirs. I don't have $1000 to compensate them, but they will let me go if I post out 1,000 comments! Please help me! I want to celebrate Father's day in future with my balls!

Worst. Joke. Ever. And I should know. I'm something of an expert on them.

Seriously though, it sounds as if you have made a terrible mistake. I hope that you'll know better than to steal vodka from now on. Although it works great in cocktails, vodka really has no flavor of its own. It's flat and boring as a spirit, generally overpriced, and brings nothing to the party. Next time you choose to steal booze, I hope you make the right decision and choose to steal gin.

This message has been brought to you by gin - Enabling Jordan to rant about pointless shit since 2003.
This message has been brought to you by gin - Enabling Jordan to rant about pointless shit since 2003.

Stephenie Muschaweck writes:

A special Happy Birthday to my favorite person!

Awww, thanks! But my birthday isn't until December. Come back and wish me a happy birthday then. Leave the cake.

On second thought...
On second thought...

NJ bed bugs writes:

Your place is valueble for me. Thanks!...

Goddamnit! First it's home security system reviews and now it's NJ bed bugs? What the fuck do you people want with my stuff? Go away! I've called the cops and they'll be here any second!

Hide yo wife, hide yo kids.
Hide yo wife, hide yo kids.

Please don't rape me.

Jose Zuvankre writes:

Many people were shocked over the extreme response of the Chapel Hill police to a group of peaceful protestors who were camped out in an abandoned building.

Well, yeah, it was an abandoned building, but it was still owned by something. So, although those protestors may have been peaceful, they were also criminals, since both breaking & entering and trespassing are both illegal. Sure the cops were armed, but it wasn't like anybody was injured or killed. But thanks to those peaceful protestors, Chapel Hill revamped their protest rules. Congratulations for shooting yourselves in the foot guys.

Actually, that's a pretty sound business plan.
Actually, that's a pretty sound business plan.

doo wop writes:

The Metrotones are Britain's top doo wop band. Formed in 1991, they started as a four piece acappella outfit, recording doo wop jingles for London's Capital Gold. Shortly after, they added a full five piece support group and toured extensively all over Europe to great acclaim.

Oh yeah. Doo wop. Yeah, that's a popular genre of music. The Metrotones are Britain's biggest doo wop group, but come on, how much competition could they really have. That's like me saying that I'm Canada's top professional ice cream gargler. I may be the most popular one by default, but that doesn't mean anybody actually wants me to gargle ice cream.

I have the weirdest boner right now.
I have the weirdest boner right now.

Webcam Girls writes:

I stood up lifting her with me. I slowly undid the buttons of her blouse and slipped it from her to be followed by her skirt, bra and panties.

I like where this is going.
I like where this is going.

So that's it. I'm done for now. If you want to send me your comments or questions, email me at . Remember, all emails will be responded to, and if they're really good, they might make it to the Mail Bag!

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